Alex, Nick, and Willie are unleashing their sure to be awesome list of Top 10 movies of 2013 later this week, but I wanted to quickly whet your appetite with a top ten of my own. When I was originally putting this list together I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to see many of the movies that I wanted to in theaters, so I set out to put together an “Alternative” Top Ten list for 2013. A B-side if you will.
But as I was compiling my list I realized that I was mostly just putting together a list of movies that I watched at home because I hate dealing with people. So here it is my fellow hermits, A top ten list for people who hate leaving the house. I’ve even included where you can find these films, because I care about you and want you to be happy. Read more after the jump.
First, here are some other movies I liked this year and want to mention to make this thing even longer:
JOHN DIES AT THE END- Don Coscarelli continues to be the king of movies nobody watches and this weird, silly movie is even better than his Bubba Ho-Tep.
LORDS OF SALEM – I liked a Rob Zombie movie again! This movie gets so stupid and amazing in the last 15 minutes.
THIS IS THE END – My favorite comedy of the year. Danny Mcbride is a force of nature and I love him.
ONLY GOD FORGIVES – I wish I liked this movie more. I keep seeing this movie pop up on “worst” lists and that’s nonsense. This movie accomplishes exactly what it sets out to and features the most hideous character of the year played by Kristin Scott Thomas. A true delight.
V/H/S 2- The Gareth Evans (THE MOTHERFUCKING RAID) segment is the most insane movie of the year. The other segments aren’t bad either.
SPRING BREAKERS- Another movie I wish I liked more. There’s some really interesting stuff going on with it as it takes to task an entire self involved generation that is more interested in partying while the world burns. I just wish it were as smart as it thinks it is at times. James Franco and former WCW champion Jeff Jarrett are amazing in it as well.
IRON MAN 3- My favorite blockbuster of the year and my favorite Marvel Studios movie so far. Just a great story of a guy who has to come to grips with the fact that he’s not the center of the universe anymore.
FAST 6- This is the best movie of the year and all Fast movies are automatically disqualified from any year end lists because they are so much better than everything else.
Now on with the list!
10 GRABBERS
Here’s the hook: It’s a monster movie where you need to keep drinking to keep the monsters from killing you. It’s perfect. If we’re comparing boozy genre-bending movies released this year, Grabbers doesn’t come close to matching The World’s End, but it’s still sweet and funny in its own way. And with a killer hook, great creature effects, and likeable characters, Grabbers is like a drunk, Irish version of Tremors and a blast from start to finish.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
Netflix Instant/ DVD/ On Demand. Although, if you want it on DVD or Blu Ray you’re probably going to have to leave the house unless you have Flixster or Gamefly or some other delivery service. Maybe your roommate can pick it up while they’re out.
9 A BAND CALLED DEATH
Technically this was released in LA in 2012, but this is the MIDWEST Film Nerds Podcast and most people in the Midwest weren’t able to catch it until 2013, so we will be using that as the qualifying criteria. A Band Called Death follows the history of the Detroit Proto-Punk band “Death”, chronicling the loss of their lead singer and the bands unexpected recent re-birth. This is a really sweet documentary that at its core is about the relationship between three brothers doing something unique, continuing to work despite setbacks, and eventually being rewarded.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
Netflix Instant/DVD/ On Demand
8 SIGHTSEERS
British filmmaker Ben Wheatley is one of the more exciting under the radar directors in movies today and Sightseers might be his best work so far. Sightseers follows a middle aged couple as they make their way across Great Britain, murdering people who annoy them and get in the way of them having a romantic holiday . It’s pretty much the bleakest romantic comedy ever. Seriously though, if you haven’t watched Wheatley’s Kill List, do it now. Then watch this one. And then watch something happy.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
Netflix Instant/ DVD/ On Demand
7 THE LAST STAND
This is by no means a great film, or even a great Arnold film, but it fits perfectly with movies like The Running Man and Commando as one of those mid-level Schwarznegger films that you can watch any time on cable and I love it for that. Arnie plays the aging Sherriff of a town that is the last hope of stopping an escaped Mexican drug lord from crossing over into Mexico. That’s it. That’s the plot. There’s no crazy twists or turns; just straightforward, clearly shot, well-paced action filmmaking by Korean filmmaker Kim Ji-Woon (I SAW THE DEVIL). Co-starring Johnny Knoxville, Forrest Whitaker, and Lady Sifffff, the cast is a ton of fun and Old Man Arnold is absolutely adorable and you’ll want to put him in your pocket and carry him around with you every day. He wears reading glasses and everything. It’s weird to see Arnold so old and yet it’s wonderful at the same time.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
Netflix Instant/DVD/On Demand
6 FRUITVALE STATION
The Grand Jury Prize winner at Sundance, Fruitvale Station has been forgotten about over the past few months leading into awards season, and honestly that’s okay as it’s not a big showy movie, but a small character study telling the story of the final day of Oscar Grant, the victim of the Oakland BART police shooting in 2009. First time director Ryan Coogler’s film debut is a bit liberal with the timeline and plays to the cheap seats a little too much, but those deficiencies are offset by two remarkable performances from Octavia Spencer and Michael B. Jordan as Grant. Fruitvale Station isn’t a subtle film, but it’s an emotional one telling a story that unfortunately continues to be relevant.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
DVD/On Demand/Not on Netflix instant though, so be prepared to spend four dollars :-(.
5 FRANCES HA
A refreshing change of pace for Noah Baumbach, Frances Ha skips the misanthropy and instead tells a pleasant story of a girl lazily wandering through her 20’s. This feels like a throwback to the indie movies of the 90’s, back when they were actually independent films being told outside the studio system and not just INDIE MOVIE THE MOVIE. The anchor of the film is Greta Gerwig who thankfully never goes full “Waka-Waka-Quirky-Zooey” and charms throughout as the fuck up main character. This film is a delight but I’m sure some people will be turned away because “ugh Hipsters” or something, but these characters just looked like 90’s slackers to me. What’s the difference? I don’t know anymore and I don’t really care. I’m just rambling at this point.
How you can watch this without leaving the house.
Netflix Instant. Dvd/ On-Demand. I think it was on HBO
4 NINJA 2: SHADOW OF A TEAR
If you’re a fan of action movies and you’ve been ignoring the Direct-to-Video /Streaming market over the past few years, particularly the work of director Isaac Florentine (Ninja One, The Undisputed Movies, The Shepherd: Border Patrol), then you’re really missing out. Following the events of Ninja (obvs), blooming DTV legend Scott Adkins (his characters name is Casey or something) has settled down in Japan with the daughter of his former master. Everything seems to be going well until she is brutally assaulted, forcing Scott Adkins to travel around Asia kicking the shit out of every motherfucker even remotely involved in the assault. This movie is badass. And it’s really nice because Isaac Florentine makes sure you can see how badass it is because he pulls the camera back and allows you to actually see someone getting kicked in the face. It’s so refreshing.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
Netflix Instant/DVD/On Demand. The first one is on Amazon Prime and you don’t really have to watch it to enjoy this one, but you should watch it anyway.
3 BLUE JASMINE
This movie features two great performances. One from Academy Award winning actress Cate Blanchett as the title character Jasmine who slowly unravels after her Bernie Madoff-esque husband is sent to prison for fraud. The other great performance is from Ford Fairline himself, Andrew Dice Clay. To be fair there are other good performances in the film, I just really wanted to work The Adventures of Ford Fairlane into this. Blue Jasmine is a very dark comedy from Woody Allen that tells the story of a woman who has acquired no skills over the course of her life, suddenly being thrust into a blue collar world and doing a terrible job of coping. Woody has been pretty solid over the last decade or so, and Jasmine belongs up at the top along with Midnight in Paris as a great late-era Woody Allen movie.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
I saw this in a theater! I’m a wild card and you never know what I’m going to do! Actually, I try to see every Woody Allen movie in a theater after seeing Whatever Works in a Chicago theater packed with old Jewish couples. They ate it up and it was one of the best movie-going experiences of my life and I will forever be chasing that feeling. This is out on DVD and probably on-demand in a couple of weeks, so watch the rest of these movies first and then it’ll be out.
2 YOU’RE NEXT
The best traditional horror movie of the year, and one of the best horror movies of the young decade, which means of course it made no money in theaters. The premise is simple: A rich family holds a reunion at their isolated country house only to have it rudely interrupted by people in animal masks murdering them one by one. We’ve been bombarded with home invasion movies over the past few years (Vacancy, Straw Dogs, Big Momma’s House), but none as clever and smart as You’re Next. Filmmakers Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett aren’t trying to CHANGE THA GAME!!! with You’re Next, they’re just making a meat and potatoes horror flick that’s tense, funny, and a reflection of the times by smartly touching on ideas of gender reversal and the battle of “haves and the have nots”. This movie also features one of the great horror performances of the past few years by actress Sharni Vinson, playing the traditional “final girl” role and kicking all sorts of ass. Horror fans, please see this movie and tell me how much it sucks and I am wrong.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
It’s On-demand right now for like 6 bucks. It’ll probably be on Netflix Instant soon though.
1 STOKER
Asian directors tend to have a mixed track record when coming to America and Park Chan Wook’s previous two films I’m a Cyborg, but that’s Ok and Thirst didn’t do a lot for me, but Stoker is his best movie since Oldboy. Written by one of the guys from Prison Break (srsly), Stoker is a movie that is going to make you want to take a shower after the credits hit. Mia Wasikowska plays India, a rich 18 year old whose father dies on her birthday. Duringher father’s funeral her uncle Charlie shows up and begins to show in interest in not only her mother, but India as well and things unravel from there. This is a slow-burn movie and it took a second late night viewing of it on HBO before I completely fell in love with it. It’s creepy, unsettling and plays like Park Chan-Wook riffing on Edgar Allen Poe and Hitchcock and it’s my favorite movie on this list.
How you can watch it without leaving the house:
Netflix Instant. DVD ON-Demand. It’s been playing pretty consistently on HBOZH, whatever the fuck that is.
That’s it. The end. 2013 was a great year with a ton of great movies and we should be thankful to be alive. Listen to Alex, Willie and Nick talk about a bunch more really good movies later this week, and then let’s all move on to 2014 and get ready for The Raid 2. Thx bye.
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